Best carrot cake

Unlike Josceline Dimbleby, Nigel Slater really knows how to make one of these. Hence 'Best' being in the header instead of 'weirdest'. Recipe has been oh-so-slightly adjusted mostly due to not having all the original ingredients at the time and making do with what I had made the results turn out practically similar yet almost half the price to make.

Ingredients

For the cake
200ml sunflower, corn or vegetable oil
3 eggs (separated)
250g light muscovado sugar
250g self raising flour
2 tsps cinnamon
1 tsp baking powder
Juice of half an orange (zest it first - you'll need it for the icing)
200g grated carrots
150g chopped walnuts (save a handful to go on top)

For the icing
150g full-fat cream cheese
450g icing sugar
Zest of one orange (the one you juiced for the cake)

Pre-heat oven to gas mark 4 and line two loose bottomed sandwich tins (either 7 or 8 inch). Cream together the oil and sugar. Add the egg yolks one at a time and beat well after each addition. Stir in the orange juice, walnuts and grated carrots. Add the flour, cinnamon and baking powder and fold in with a large metal spoon. Now whisk the egg whites until stiff and fold them into the mixture. Divide between the tins and place into the pre-heated oven for 40-45 minutes. Your kitchen will now smell wonderful. Cool on a wire rack until needed.

To make the icing, simply beat together the cream cheese, icing sugar and zest. This might take anything up to 10 minutes if you're doing it by hand. Remember, you don't want it too runny as it will simply slide off the cake. On the other hand, if it's too stiff then it will be a nightmare to spread. Refer to the photo for desired consistency.

Take approximately a third of the icing and spread over the bottom half of the cake. Place the other half on top and spread the rest of the icing over the top and sides. Sprinkle over the walnuts just so people know that it's got nuts in it. Hopefully it will put some people off enough and leave more for us.

The recipe can be adapted to suit people on a dairy-free diet by substituting soya cream cheese in the icing.

Tardis Cake

"Anything Doctor Who themed - he just loves Doctor Who."




Yes that's right, someone actually paid for this and unbelievably, didn't complain. They even phoned afterwards to tell me how wonderful it tasted.

The profits made from the sale of the cake are still sitting in a trust fund set up especially for the day I am admitted into hospital for the long-term damage caused to my nervous system every time I look at this photo and cringe.

Method
Build cake using madeira sponge and glue together with buttercream and jam. Cover in marzipan and carefully place the rolled out icing over the tardis. Now carefully let it sink in that it doesn't look as you had hoped and peel off all the icing you just put on. Make up some more icing using egg white, food colouring and icing sugar that you don't have. Run to Sainbury's to buy more icing sugar. On arriving home, apply some deodorant and pretend not to see the clock on the wall telling you that she will be arriving in 20 minutes to pick up cake. Start to panic - this will ensure adrenaline kicking in soon. Bring icing together with said ingredients and gently smooth over cake. Put the windows and sign you made earlier on to the side and hope that no-one notices how AMAZINGLY AND UTTERLY SHIT it looks. Stifle any tears - save them for after she has picked up cake.